Funny Birthday Quotes And Humorous Quotations


Funny Birthday Quotes:

Today you are you!

That is truer than true!

There is no one alive

who is you-er than you!

-Dr. Seuss

It takes a long time to become young.

-Pablo Picasso 

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

-Steven Wright

Statistics show that the people who have the most birthdays live the longest. 

-Larry Lorenzoni

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

-Bob Hope

This page features a collection of classic and Funny Birthday Quotes, along with a thoughtfully chosen list of short, funny jokes for your party. 

These jokes were hand picked by a professional stand up comic, and were chosen strictly for their laugh value. Only genuinely funny jokes are included here.

Check back often, as new short funny jokes are being added all the time, but only the good ones.

Bar Jokes

A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, do you know there's a drink named after you?" Grasshopper says, "No kidding! You have a drink named Stanley?"


Two alcoholics drive into a bar...


A priest, a rabbi, a black guy, a white guy, two giraffes, three penguins, and the Queen of Spain walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"


A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"


A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker have ordered food in a bar. Waiter walks up and says, "Excuse me, we don't have any more steak due to the beef shortage." Russian says, "Vhat is 'steak?'" Texan says, "What's a 'shortage?'" New Yorker says, "What's 'Excuse me?'"


A neutron walks into a bar and says, "How much is your draft beer?" Bartender says, "For you, no charge."

funny birthday quotes 

Light Bulb Jokes

Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.


Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw it almost in, and the other to add a surprising little twist at the end.


Q: How many recovering alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to change it and one to sponsor him.


Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, darling, I'll just sit here alone and read in the dark. You go on out with your friends. 


Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None of your God-damned business.


Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One, but it takes nine visits.

Yo Mama Jokes

Yo mama so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application.

Yo mama so dumb it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

Yo mama so dumb she put lipstick on her head to make-up her mind

Yo mama so dumb she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so dumb she sits on the TV, and watches the couch.

Yo Mama's so dumb she failed a survey.

Yo mama so white they mark her absent in the morning.

Your Mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

Yo mama so fat she tripped on 4th Avenue and landed on 12th.

Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family.

Yo mama so old I told her to act her age and she died.

Yo mama so old she visited the Dead Sea when it was only sick.

Yo mama so short she have to look up to look down.

Funny Birthday Quotes and More




Other Useful Links

Go here for all sorts of Free Printable Resume Formats.

Printable list of Amtrak Train Stations in All 50 States.

Printable list of Greyhound Bus Stations in All 50 States.

Free Printable Car Insurance Stats for All 50 States and Washington DC.

Free Printable Reusable Monthly Calendars

Free Printable Maps

Free Printable Charts and Tables

Free Printable Tattoo Designs

Free Printable Tarot Cards

Free Printable Gifts

Free Printable Trivia Games

Another Free Printables Collection



Look Here Right Now To See A Long Lost Portrait Of Emily Dickinson!