Shut Up And Lie!
A How To Guide For Realists




Wanna learn How To Lie? You've come to the right place. Scroll down for a handy set of instructions on everyone's (yes, EVERYONE'S!) favorite lifestyle strategy. 

Are you someone who never lies? Stop lying!

You know perfectly well you don't actually read all of the "terms and conditions" from those websites you visit. Still, you click the button that says you read (AND understood!) 26 pages of irrelevant "legalese" nonsense.  

And that's just ONE example. 

This Just In: YOU LIE! 

Now that we've gotten the obvious out of the way, read on to learn How To Lie effectively, and How To Lie guilt-free. 




How To Lie (Introduction)


There are two ways to issue false information — accidentally and on purpose. The latter is known as lying. Put simply, a Lie is any deliberate attempt to deceive or mislead another individual.

To many minds, a lie is characterized by the intention behind it. 

Countless miles of shelf space are devoted to so many million heavy-handed volumes on the shamefulness of lying, how to tell if someone is lying to you, and other scolding, self-righteous dissertations produced by delusional, self-appointed judges of human character. 

In other words, "experts." 

Most of these "experts" make the careless and naïve presumption that lying is fundamentally wrong. For instance, some of these moralistic dingbats will tell you that a lie that saves lives is "not as bad as" other lies.

Some folks just refuse to acknowledge that there is any such thing as a good lie. 


Of course there are reasons NOT to lie. For instance, lying can hinder improvement. If a man tells his wife he loves her creamed okra casserole when he hates it, she will happily keep making it. He may well end up eating that same crappy recipe 3 times a week for the rest of his defeated little life. 

Lying "to be nice" does nothing to improve your situation, because eventually you can't help noticing that your life still sucks. 




Consider also the disturbing notion that lies die with the ones who tell them.

Yet, time will reveal the indestructible truth, like the public unwrapping of some inappropriate gift from an embarrassing relative you've been trying to avoid. 

Think of it, if you dare: 

When we die, Information leaks out like a dripping faucet (or a popped balloon, depending on your pre-death circumstances). Either way, over time, all is revealed about each of us. 

There is no escape. 

Like it or not, those you leave behind will remove the clothes you wore, rummage through your personal belongings, listen to your phone messages, read your texts, gossip about who you were, and basically learn all the secrets you didn't want known. 

They will try to be kind, at first, but all the cards you held so guilefully against your prideful chest are irretrievably exposed, examined under a spotlight, and dissipated through the universe. 

Truth has viral attributes. 

People will dissect your personality, your words, your actions, the company you kept, and the love (or lack thereof) you gave and received. Everything you ever were is stripped bare and scrutinized. 

Nothing is sacred where human curiosity is concerned. 

In death, you are, at best, a passive observer of all this commotion. 

No longer can you clear up misunderstandings, mend broken friendships, protect the ones you love, or speak out in your own defense. No further changes can you make. 

When we die, the lies we told die with us. All that remains is Truth.

Welcome to Judgment Day. 




But enough about that. Let's talk about this: 

Lying is a normal part of human nature — an inborn characteristic whose purpose is to help us get by in life. 

We find lying useful for obtaining things we need and/or want, such as food and/or sex.

According to David Livingstone Smith of the New England Institute, "We evolved to lie simply because it works.


Julian Keenan, a Research Psychologist at Montclair State University explains, "Deception is seen in all cultures. There is no society that is not immersed in deception.

The reason, according to Keenan (among others) is "... to gain a mating advantage — You can easily imagine that those who deceive will out reproduce those who tell the truth.


But it doesn't take an expert to see that deception has existed throughout history, and in all cultures throughout the animal kingdom. 

Even raccoons have been observed "telling lies:"

Raccoons know how to go fishing by grabbing a handful of crickets, carrying them to the edge of a pier, and tossing them into the water. When bullfrogs come up to eat the crickets, the Raccoons leap into the water and ambush the bullfrogs. 




Lies are, in fact, so common that truth is often regarded as a desperate, dangerous measure — a sabotage of sorts. 

Lying is a faithful tool in our genetic survival kit. A sudden, global loss of this essential ability would cause us to lose our jobs, go to jail, and introduce our spouses to the hookers we know. 

Soon enough, mangled, bloody corpses by the billions would blanket the murdered landscape like the final scene from Hamlet. 


Why is truth so seldom told? Because we like it that way. 

If you still insist on believing that lies are the exception and truth the rule, someone from my office will contact you shortly. Please have your credit card ready. 

In other words, spare yourself the masochistic, counterproductive denial. Many convincing studies have shown that most of us lie all the time, every day. 


Often, people lie in an effort to appear more competent or more likable than they believe themselves to be. A study of online dating behavior by Cornell researcher Jeff Hancock revealed that when talking on the phone, men regularly exaggerate their height, while women typically under report their weight. 

The same study showed that in personal interactions, men tend to lie about their income and their level of commitment, while women tend to lie about their age.  




In a nutshell: Everyone lies. Few will admit it. The rest are lying. 

What's more, we have NO right to suck the fun out of lying (our own or anyone else's) by burdening the activity with great, grey thunder clouds of guilt. 

Lying is a perfectly valid survival skill, and a job worth doing is worth doing well.  

Yet, we refuse to acknowledge responsible lying as a viable approach to a truer reality, because it is so inappropriate, socially unacceptable, and just plain rude to teach people How To Lie in such an unapologetic fashion!

So I did. 

You're welcome.  



Consider this text a handy set of fundamental philosophical principles that we out-of-the-closet liars can live with. 

You will also find a list of the Top 10 FTLs (Frequently Told Lies), and other fresh, fun, fascinating facts about lying. 

The purpose of this work is to help us better understand each other on a personal level, to encourage a more honest and realistic approach to human interactions, to spit in the face of hypocrisy, and to piss people off. 



The time has come to celebrate the beauty of a well-told lie, for without lies we could never know Truth. 

So put your high horse out to pasture! Release yourself from the shackles of guilt. Abandon destructive taboos. Read on to maximize the effectiveness of all those lies you were already telling. 


Go Ahead! You know you want to. 




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Shut Up And Lie! 





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