If you are here to learn the gentle art of the Lie, you've come to the right place.
Scroll down for a handy set of instructions on the world's most popular lifestyle strategy.
Are you someone who lies? If you didn't answer 'yes,' you're lying!
Now that we've gotten the obvious out of the way, read on to learn the techniques of effective, guilt-free lying.
Because You Lie!
First of all, don't waste your time preaching to the choir. Justifying your own lies is a futile exercise commonly known as 'lying to yourself.'
Possibly the most common lies we tell ourselves are lies about lying.
Regarding lies told by others, we tend to defend people we like with pithy little presumptions such as "MY friends wouldn't lie!" or "I can ALWAYS tell when someone is lying" or "He/she would NEVER lie to ME!"
That's all good, except for this:
Your friends DO lie, you CANNOT always tell when someone is lying, and he/she has most likely lied to you at least 3 times since yesterday.
Justification is easy to find when a lie is one that you wish to tell, or one that you wish to believe.
But let's face it: Lying saves time. There's no point in counteracting that effect by engaging yourself in a moral boxing match where you are your own opponent and also the referee.
You already know who will win.
Sweetie, you're the only one playing!
It would seem that the time we spend justifying our own lies would be much better spent rehearsing them.
Perhaps you wonder how you can know if your partner is cheating on you.
Plainly put, there are two types of people who claim to be faithful — those who are faithful, and those who are not.
Rather than submitting yourself to such a random exercise, wouldn't it be more energy-efficient to instead just ask yourself what right you had in the first place to restrict the activities of another adult human being?
Seriously! Who died and made YOU the sex police?
Strangely, there exists a false sense of ownership between lovers. Although quite common, it is really just a desperate and immature need to manipulate one another in the name of Happily-Ever-After, lifelong monogamy, and other fairy tale dreams.
With all due respect: Get Real, Sally Sunshine!
As compelling as these fantasies may be to some of us, the fact is that romantic guarantees are outdated, unrealistic, detrimental to our freedom, and (typically) not much fun in practice after too short a time.
Expecting another person to make you happy is like expecting a slot machine to make you rich, only MUCH more costly if your guess is incorrect.
So don't be such a control freak! Some outcomes cannot be engineered.
Rather, ask yourself: Wouldn't we all be happier if we maintained a more polite, respectful, emotional distance from the ones we love, and decided, once and for all, that there are some things we just DON'T need to know?
You can logically argue, for health reasons at least, that you are entitled to know whether your significant other has additional sex partners.
Fair enough. You have that right, but if there exists a 'World's Stupidest Questions' list, the top two are probably "Are you faithful?" and "Do you swear to God you're telling the truth?"
Asking your lover to provide those details is like asking a condemned man to help you tighten the noose. While you're at it, why not ask your local Klansmen for their favorite Soul Food recipes?
There are two kinds of society: The one where multiple sex partners are openly accepted, and the one where you have to sneak around to get the goods. Either way, most of us are as faithful as our opportunities.
So, is YOUR partner cheating and/or lying to you?
Statistically speaking, your partner is playing you like an Avatar.
Best just to deal with it maturely and get a hobby, but if you insist on proof, you can always hire a decoy. A decoy is an attractive individual with acting skills, who poses as someone who met your lover by accident, but who is actually employed by you.
He/she behaves flirtatiously toward your hapless schmuck of a soon-to-be-ex lover, and (sure enough!) within 15 minutes your lover will proposition the decoy.
That's when you approach your lover — because you've been hiding behind that potted plant the whole time — and say something like, "Let's see you try to lie your way out of THIS one, motherf___!"
If you're smart, this is all being caught on film, and the resulting reality TV show should generate enough cash (not to mention revenge) to mend the most broken of hearts.
Just be careful what you wish for: Many decoys swear they have never failed to procure a sexual request from the one being spied upon.
Some people will tell you that being lied to robs them of their basic human right to make free, rational choices, and therefore YOU have no right to lie.
These people are lying.
How rational is it, after all, to rely on another to be truthful, when you know darn well everyone lies?
Clearly, we are free to (rationally) choose to let go of these infantile, false expectations.
Free to stop holding others responsible for our emotional security.
Free to stop asking provocative, narcissistic, lie-inducing questions such as "Are you faithful?" and "Am I attractive?"
Free to stop acting so surprised when we catch someone telling a Lie.
Free to factor stark naked reality into the equation.
We choose to believe in the ones we love most. We need to get over that.
In many cases, lying is the best way to protect ourselves (and/or others) from harm or embarrassment. As Quentin Crisp once wrote, "The Lie is the very basis of good manners."
Basically, others have NO business telling you when it is and is not okay to protect your own best interests.
You may notice that those with the strongest moral identities are all-too-often the biggest hypocrites, self-righteously flipping the guilt card in a sneaky attempt to rob YOU of YOUR right to make a free, rational decision to Lie.
Liars who condemn lying fancy themselves better and smarter than you are, and therefore more qualified to know when it's "okay" to Lie, and when it isn't.
These people Lie as it suits them.
When caught, the hypocrite will dismissively explain that they lied to you "for your own good," with a casual air of superiority, and a soothing tone of voice normally reserved for freshly neutered family pets.
But as luck (or karma) would have it, hypocrites delude themselves more often than they fool anyone else. They even sometimes believe their own lies.
Ultimately, the wisest choice you can make is to just go ahead and assume that you are being lied to all the time, by everyone you know.
On the bright side, you're finally right!
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