Short Funny Quotes

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Here's a printable collection of Short Funny Quotes from people whose names may sound familiar.

Short Funny Quotes

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job: it's a depression when you lose yours.

-Harry Truman

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

-Albert Einstein

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back.

-Will Rogers

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

-Woody Allen

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

-Steven Wright

The future ain't what it used to be.

-Yogi Berra

Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

-Steve Martin

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

-Rodney Dangerfield

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

-Bill Cosby

Buy land. They've stopped making it.

-Mark Twain

The older I get, the happier I was.


If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style!

-Quentin Crisp

The war between the sexes is the only one in which both sides regularly sleep with the enemy

-Quentin Crisp

The French speak English when our backs are turned.

-Quentin Crisp

Of course I lie to people! But I lie altruistically - for our mutual good. The lie is the basic building block of good manners. That may seem mildly shocking to a moralist - but then what isn't?

-Quentin Crisp

Shown below: The Quick-witted Queen of Quotable Quips, Quentin Crisp.  

I am a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn't have the heart to let him down.

-Abraham Lincoln

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.


Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. In the same way, Happiness never decreases by being shared.


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Related Links

Go to this page for Short Funny Valentine Couplets

Hit this link for a free printable list of Funny Quotes and Sayings.

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Hit this link to see the Main Poetry Page 

Go here for a selection of Short Funny Quotes and Poetry.

Click here for a printable list of Short Funny Jokes

See the Main List Page.

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